Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
