I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
