The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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