Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
