I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
