So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
