One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
