So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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