Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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