i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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