I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Randomize
