I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
