I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
