I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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