The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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