in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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