i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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