I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
