sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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