I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
