It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
