I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
