I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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