Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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