If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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