I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
