I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
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It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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