i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
