God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
