I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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