Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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