I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
