y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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