I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
