help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
