I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
