Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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