A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
