My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
