Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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