I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
