i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
