I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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