you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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