I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
