Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
