It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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