All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
