i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
