o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
