life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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