last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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