please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
