idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
