she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
