Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Randomize
