just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
